I've had a post I've been meaning to write for some time. After some recent encouragement I know it is time to take up the pen... or in this case... get back to typing.
I last wrote almost two months ago sharing our good news that Matt and I are pregnant. As of Monday I will be 17 weeks and all is going well. The doctors are very pleased with my progress and are expecting a normal pregnancy. Of course this pregnancy has caused me to reminisce about the boys. Its only natural and I have a lot of thoughts I need to write but one is at the forefront of my mind... the one I have been meaning to post for quite some time.
If you listen to Christian radio at all I'm sure you've heard
Laura Story's newest number one single, Blessings. The first time I heard that song, God spoke to me and I knew while Laura may have written it about her trials, God was using it to speak to me.
If you've ever suffered the death of a child you know the awkward moment when someone asks "How many children do you have?" or "Is this your first pregnancy?" and in a few brief moments you have to decide how to answer it. I always find my self evaluating the person. I consider if I'll ever meet the person again or if the person seems compassionate. Either way I usually tell them its not my first and I have children who are just not on this earth anymore. I can't bear saying, "This is our first" knowing I have two sweet boys and two other babies in Heaven with the Father. Sometimes people know what to say and other times the situation only gets more awkward.
But, the thing that bothers me the most is when I tell someone about the boys and their immediate response is "I'm sorry." I'm not. Sure, I miss my boys. There are days when I cry and grieve and that's the way it'll be for the rest of my earthly life. But am I sorry? No. I have babies who are already in the presence of the Heavenly Father. They are enjoying His presence and that is far more than I could have given them. Matt and I love them and miss them but I'm not sorry. They were two of the biggest blessings in our lives. I will never forget holding those tiny babies and looking at God's creation. The weeks that followed were the hardest in our lives and the blessing in it all is that God used those precious babies and their short lives to make mine and Matt's marriage stronger than I could have ever imagined. I remembered reading that the death of a child either tears spouses apart or solidifies their marriage. I am so grateful that for us it was the latter. God used our babies to build our trust in one another and in God. We had moments of anger and frustration but ultimately God taught us that our children are safe with Him.
I look forward to telling Baby Brewer about J.J. and Jordan and how God used them in our family's lives.
Back to the song I mentioned earlier... there is one line that I think we should all think about when facing trials. We must look at the bigger picture.
"What if the trials of this life are your blessings in disguise?"
The death of our sweet boys was definitely life's toughest trial (thus far) but was most definitely a blessing in disguise.
- cb
