Here we go...

Well.... it's been a while; a while since I had a meaningful post. I don't mean the kind where I tell you about my weekend... you probably don't really care when it comes down to it. I mean the kind of post where I share my heart... what's really going on.

The last few months have been hard. This past Sunday was just nine weeks since I had the boys. It seems like that was an eternity ago. The first couple of weeks after delivery were hard... as would be expected. Then for a few weeks there in the middle I was doing really well. Now I find myself having some really crummy days... I think mostly because my due date is quickly approaching. I'm both dreading and looking forward to April 17th. Dreading it because I know the day will bring lots of sadness and sorrow. It'll be a day where Matt and I will both think about the fact that we should have a nursery with two sweet little boys in it but we don't. I'm looking forward to the day because I'm hoping that after it passes, I'll be able to have some sense of closure. Until it gets here, I'm constantly thinking, right now I would be 32 weeks or... 36 weeks pregnant. Or, if i see someone else pregnant, I compare them to where I should be if I were still pregnant.

Grieving is hard. For me, this is by far the hardest thing I've dealt with. I think Matt would agree and it has been hard for our marriage. Our marriage is strong and I'm grateful that God has used this to bring us closer to one another and closer to Him as a couple. Still, grieving is hard. No parent ever expects to lose a child, much less two on the same day. Matt and I had plans and hopes and dreams for J.J. and Jordan and all too soon all of that ended and instead we find ourselves trying to plan a memorial service.

For a few weeks after delivery, I didn't want to pick up my Bible and I didn't want to go to church. I was just too angry at God. I know that the boys are in heaven... I know that but I still get angry because I miss them, I want them here. I know I'll see them again but its a lifetime away. In the big picture, I'll see them in the blink of an eye but its hard to see the big picture when a big piece of your heart is missing.

Lately I've been digging into Scripture and different books about all sorts of things. Immediately after delivery, Matt and I read through Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It was a huge source of comfort in the weeks following delivery. It was actually given to us at the hospital. A couple in the upstate has a ministry where they work with the hospitals, donate the books, and upon the loss of a child, the hospital gives the book to the parents. What a way to turn their loss (they lost a little boy who was stillborn) into a tremendous blessing to others?! Then I started Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. This one I'm still working on and really enjoying. Nancy lost two children to a rare genetic disorder. First was a little girl named Hope. She lived about 6 months. Nancy and her husband then took the proper precautions so that they didn't get pregnant again but as she was writing the book, she found out she was pregnant again and their little boy, Gabriel, also had the genetic disorder. He also lived about 6 months. Her book is all about suffering and where we can find hope during it, how to deal with the suffering and how to see God in the suffering. It also has an 8-week book study on the book of Job.

And the last book I'm reading is R.C. Sproul's Chosen by God. This one is basically covering the doctrine of predestination. Now, this is a tough... tough... doctrine to understand and by no means can I wrap my brain around it. I understand what it means but its the way that it affects everything else that can make it seem so complicated. For instance... I have to accept that J.J. and Jordan were predestined long ago that they would die on December 21, 2008. Do I like that? No. Do I need to accept that? Yes. Why? Because a loving God planned it that way and He sees the big picture that I can't. He has a purpose and a plan for all of this. I may not understand it all til I get to heaven but I need to trust His plan.

Several songs have also ministered to my heart in the last nine weeks.

I say all of this because I want to get back into blogging and instead of making this post much longer than it already is... I'm just gonna share nuggets of knowledge that I'm gleaning from the books and songs I've metntioned. Maybe I'll share a quote or two a day but over the next few weeks I'll be posting the things I'm reading and learning and maybe it'll minster to you in some way with something you may be facing.

With all that being said, its 4:40 am and I should probably try to sleep at some point.

cb