You'll Be In My Heart

I have always loved the movie "Tarzan." Every time I watch it I cry... never fails.

Grieving is a long process. I'm going pretty well but I have my moments. I was listening to my trusty ipod yesterday when I played "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins. Now, it wasn't the sappy music that made me almost gush but it was the thought behind some of the lyrics.

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

Right now there is a hole in my heart left by two small little boys. I long to hold them again and to see them again but that will never happen (at least not on this side of heaven). The hole is left by losing them physically but they are very much a part of mine and Matt's lives. I'm confident that not a day will go by when I don't think of them and how good it was to be able to hold them at least once. They will always hold a very special place in my heart... even after we have other children. We will not forget them nor will we shy away from the chance to tell you about them.

Why can't they understand
The way we feel
They just don't trust
What they can't explain

No one understands what Matt and I are feeling. Even when someone goes through a similar situation, we all grieve differently, we react and respond to life's situations differently. Please remember when you know someone who is going through a difficult time to never ever say to them "I know how you feel or I know what you're going through." It never makes the person feel better. Chances are it makes them feel worse. If you must say something, just share your story (if they feel like listening) and say "I don't know how you're feeling but I'm here if you need something." (Before any of you start to wonder if you did this with me by accident, know that only once person dared to say "I know what you're feeling" and its no one who reads my blog.)

Most of our friends and family have accepted mine and Matt's beliefs. We have no doubts in where our little boys are now. We know our Heavenly Father is holding them close and caring for them now. We know our little boys did not suffer and that at the moment of their death, they were taken to heaven for eternity. There are a few out there who I am sure think this is crazy and they can't understand it. Without our faith and the comfort i knowing where our boys are and that we will see them again, I think I would have gone crazy by now.

Continue to pray for us as we heal. We appreciate it.

Preoccupation...

I figured at some point I should enter the blogging world again. Today is the day although my post may be short. I won't know 'til I start writing.

First, I am incredibly grateful for the folks who have left comments on both mine and Matt's facebook pages as well as on the boys' guestbook at the funeral home's website. The thoughts and prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf have been a great source of comfort. I'll be honest. There are moments when I want to scream and I get really angry at God and then there are moments when I can feel the prayers and "the peace that passes all understanding" takes over. I know the road ahead is a long and hard one but we will face it. Matt is incredible in the way he encourages me and supports me. He is so faithful and holds fast to the promise that God has a plan for us. While we may never understand why God chose to take our little boys back home, we know that there is a greater purpose and God is working to bring glory to Himself. I pray I won't let the anger get in the way of that.

Matt and I will forever be grateful for the care I received from Spartanburg OB/GYN, Maternal Fetal Medicine, and Spartanburg Regional Hospital. There is nothing to criticize in the level of care and support given to us. Everyone was so sensitive to our needs and to making sure we understand what was going on. I am especially grateful for one of my delivery nurse's, Nancy. Without her sharing her experience when she lost one of her twins, we would not have changed our mind to see and hold our precious little boys. We are so happy that we did change our minds and that we saw just how perfect those little fellas were. At only 23 weeks gestation, they had perfect fingers, toes, lips, eyelashes... absolutely amazing.

We are currently reading a book together called Empty Arms. It was given to us when we left the hospital. A couple in the upstate has a ministry reaching out to those who have experienced losing a child. So far we are finding the book to be a source of encouragement and I recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. There is a chart a couple of chapters into the book that shows some of the differences in the way men and women grieve. One way women in particular grieve is by preoccupation which has definitely shown itself to be true in our case. Not that I'm not dealing with things or not grieving but that there are times when I need to keep busy. I'm back to cleaning and trying to sort through the things we've accumulated in the last year in our new house. For so long I was on bed rest and there were things I wanted to do but just couldn't so now is my chance. Slowly I'll get things the way I want and I'll feel good for having accomplished something.

Well, I think I'll stop here for now. I need to call Nintendo. The Wii is on the blink and I still have so much cleaning I want to do. I'll be writing again soon. Thanks for reading.

cb

Boys' Guestbook

If you would like to view the boys' obituary and leave a message on their guestbook, please go to www.bpafuneralhome.com. Their names are listed under current visitations. We treasure all of your comments and they are a source of comfort during this time.

Crystal

J.J. and Jordan

On December 21, 2008, heaven gained its two most precious residents. Jeremiah Jefferson, born at 4:18 pm, weighed 13 ounces and was 10 inches long and Jordan Isaiah, born at 4:49 pm, weighed 1 lb 4 ounces and was 11.5 inches long. These two little boys never had to take a breath on this evil earth but went straight to their Heavenly Father who is holding them, caring for them, and loving them until Matt and I are reunited with them at the end of our lives' journeys. While we are certainly grieving our loss and our hearts are broken, we are comforted by the fact that we know where our sweet little boys are. Their hearts will never hurt and they will never have to suffer. We are grateful for the time where we held them and saw just how perfect they were with perfectly developed fingers and toes, eyelashes and toenails. They were our precious little miracles. Matt and I have appreciated your thoughts and prayers over this last five-month journey and continue to need those through the grieving process which will take much longer.

Crystal

Update on the Babies

I am so happy to report good news to you today. My ultrasound this morning revealed that Baby A's fluid (J.J.) is now equal to Baby B's fluid (Jordan). This is definitely an answer to prayers. His fluid has almost doubled in one week and now both fluid levels are completely normal. My cervix still measured about the same. The doctors are very happy with the way things are going and Matt and I are looking forward to the boys arriving when they should as opposed to coming early as was expected earlier in the pregnancy. Things have come a long way and we still have 15 weeks to go to full term. It doesn't seem that far away. Also, the doctors approved me to travel for Christmas which means Matt and I will be able to go to Atlanta to see his family. We are so happy about this since, unfortunately, we only see them once a year.

Thanks again to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. We look forward to continuing to pass along good reports.

Wishing everyone a happy Christmas,
Crystal

A little behind

So I'm definitely behind on the popular Twilight craze. I saw the preview for the movie and had read on a blog or two about those anticipating its release but had never heard of it before then. So when Matt and I went out for our anniversary we decided to see Twilight. I love Vampire movies so I was ok with it. So we definitely both loved the movie. With that being said, since 9 pm last night I've read Twilight and have already started on New Moon. I've been sucked in.

cb

A wonderful Day

Matt and I headed back to the doctor this morning and I am so happy to report that my cervix still looks great. The stitch is holding well. Also, Baby A's (J.J.'s) fluid has increased to about 2.5 cm which is now in the normal range. The babies are doing great and I can feel them move now. That started this week and is the neatest feeling, making it all more real that there are two little boys on their way to changing our lives forever.

Since things looked so good today, the doctors were willing to let me go out this evening so Matt and I could celebrate our first anniversary. Matt brought me two dozen roses. :-) We had a nice dinner and saw a movie. It was a great evening.

Thanks again for all your prayers. They are definitely working. God is so good.