Preoccupation...

I figured at some point I should enter the blogging world again. Today is the day although my post may be short. I won't know 'til I start writing.

First, I am incredibly grateful for the folks who have left comments on both mine and Matt's facebook pages as well as on the boys' guestbook at the funeral home's website. The thoughts and prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf have been a great source of comfort. I'll be honest. There are moments when I want to scream and I get really angry at God and then there are moments when I can feel the prayers and "the peace that passes all understanding" takes over. I know the road ahead is a long and hard one but we will face it. Matt is incredible in the way he encourages me and supports me. He is so faithful and holds fast to the promise that God has a plan for us. While we may never understand why God chose to take our little boys back home, we know that there is a greater purpose and God is working to bring glory to Himself. I pray I won't let the anger get in the way of that.

Matt and I will forever be grateful for the care I received from Spartanburg OB/GYN, Maternal Fetal Medicine, and Spartanburg Regional Hospital. There is nothing to criticize in the level of care and support given to us. Everyone was so sensitive to our needs and to making sure we understand what was going on. I am especially grateful for one of my delivery nurse's, Nancy. Without her sharing her experience when she lost one of her twins, we would not have changed our mind to see and hold our precious little boys. We are so happy that we did change our minds and that we saw just how perfect those little fellas were. At only 23 weeks gestation, they had perfect fingers, toes, lips, eyelashes... absolutely amazing.

We are currently reading a book together called Empty Arms. It was given to us when we left the hospital. A couple in the upstate has a ministry reaching out to those who have experienced losing a child. So far we are finding the book to be a source of encouragement and I recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. There is a chart a couple of chapters into the book that shows some of the differences in the way men and women grieve. One way women in particular grieve is by preoccupation which has definitely shown itself to be true in our case. Not that I'm not dealing with things or not grieving but that there are times when I need to keep busy. I'm back to cleaning and trying to sort through the things we've accumulated in the last year in our new house. For so long I was on bed rest and there were things I wanted to do but just couldn't so now is my chance. Slowly I'll get things the way I want and I'll feel good for having accomplished something.

Well, I think I'll stop here for now. I need to call Nintendo. The Wii is on the blink and I still have so much cleaning I want to do. I'll be writing again soon. Thanks for reading.

cb