Geez

It has been a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time since I've blogged. Oops. I guess it just got away from me and I didn't really realize how long it had been.

Let's see what my update should say:

I don't really remember much about March. In April Matt and I went to Destin, Florida with family for a week. It was so much fun and definitely the break we needed from all the "stuff" we've dealt with over the last year and a half. It was good to see family that we don't normally get to see that often and to see them for more than one day. Usually its just Christmas day which is never enough time to catch up.

We came back from Destin with a vacation baby. Yep, I came back pregnant. We found out because I also came back from Destin super sick. Turns out I needed my gallbladder removed. I went for my pre-op appointment and they called to let me know my surgery was canceled because I was pregnant. (Note: this was on April 17th, the same day J.J. and Jordan were due) I had been so nervous about how I'd feel on April 17th but the Lord blessed us with another baby that day and it became a very bittersweet day. Sadly on April 30th, I miscarried. We still trust that God has a plan for our family and we grieved the lost but trust that He is soverign.

Miscarrying allowed me to have my gallbladder out on May 11th. I was nervous going into surgery but it turned out to the be the easiest surgery I have had. I had surgery on Monday and by Thursday I felt "back to normal."

Once I was better from surgery, my job search continued. I applied at so many places and yet was getting so few phone calls. It was hard during that time to trust God's plan because I knew my unemployment was quickly running out.

God is gracious and about a week and a half ago a good friend from college called to tell me about a lady at his church who needed to fill a spot in the office at her pest control company and needed to fill it quickly. Long story short: my unemployment ran out on Sunday, June 21st, and I started my new job at Carolina Pest Control on Monday, June 22nd. God is sneaky huh?

I am loving my new job and the folks I work with. One other lady and I are responsible for the scheduling and billing and lots of other "stuff." It keeps us busy. :-) Thanks so much for those of you who were praying for my employment issues. God showed He had a plan in His perfect timing.

Matt is still working his weird hours and this is making it difficult to see one another but we'll get that worked out somehow.

Church is going well. Matt does such a great job leading music and we love our family there so much!

We are looking forward to July 4th. Each year we spend it up in the mountains with friends from North Greenville.

Mom and dad's house still hasn't sold so keep praying.

I suppose that is all for now. I'll try to get back in the habit.

Later.

I Love My Husband!

Every first and third Sunday our church observes the Lord's Supper. It is a great time of spiritual reflection and a time to examine our hearts. There is one thing that always makes it special for me. You may or may not know that Matt is the worship leader at church. Well during the Lord's Supper he also helps Keith by holding the juice when Keith administers the elements. Its the moment when I go up front and face Keith and Matt that I am grateful for a God-fearing husband. Some women marry men who don't treat them well or who take advantage of them or are abusive... the list goes on. But I have an amazing husband who desires to be the spiritual leader in our home and who delights in serving in our church and he takes both these responsibilities very seriously. I'm so grateful that God blessed me with him and that he loves me the way he does. Thank you Matt!

Golf and God

Matt and I played golf today... I played 9 and he played a full 18. As the round was finishing this is what God had in store for us... enjoy.










cb

I went to sleep....

and this is what I woke up to.

Too cute picture

Matt went out of town yesterday. He is in the southern part of the state playing golf with his dad. I'm missing him but I think Nacho is missing him even more. We took this picture the night before he left when he was packing.



Daddy, can I go?

cb

The first of a few songs...

I first saw this video when I was visiting a blog I check regularly. The woman in the video, Jill McCloghry is one of the worship leaders with Hillsong. I won't share much of her story because you need to watch the video and listen to her share her own story. When you watch you'll immediately understand why this video ministered to me. She struggled with many of the same things I have. One of the key lines for me was when she mentions she chose to worship. It is our responsibility to worship whether we feel like it or not. We don't worship because we want to. We worship because we serve an almighty sovereign God who deserves it.

Check out the video and I'd love to hear what you think.



cb

Here we go...

Well.... it's been a while; a while since I had a meaningful post. I don't mean the kind where I tell you about my weekend... you probably don't really care when it comes down to it. I mean the kind of post where I share my heart... what's really going on.

The last few months have been hard. This past Sunday was just nine weeks since I had the boys. It seems like that was an eternity ago. The first couple of weeks after delivery were hard... as would be expected. Then for a few weeks there in the middle I was doing really well. Now I find myself having some really crummy days... I think mostly because my due date is quickly approaching. I'm both dreading and looking forward to April 17th. Dreading it because I know the day will bring lots of sadness and sorrow. It'll be a day where Matt and I will both think about the fact that we should have a nursery with two sweet little boys in it but we don't. I'm looking forward to the day because I'm hoping that after it passes, I'll be able to have some sense of closure. Until it gets here, I'm constantly thinking, right now I would be 32 weeks or... 36 weeks pregnant. Or, if i see someone else pregnant, I compare them to where I should be if I were still pregnant.

Grieving is hard. For me, this is by far the hardest thing I've dealt with. I think Matt would agree and it has been hard for our marriage. Our marriage is strong and I'm grateful that God has used this to bring us closer to one another and closer to Him as a couple. Still, grieving is hard. No parent ever expects to lose a child, much less two on the same day. Matt and I had plans and hopes and dreams for J.J. and Jordan and all too soon all of that ended and instead we find ourselves trying to plan a memorial service.

For a few weeks after delivery, I didn't want to pick up my Bible and I didn't want to go to church. I was just too angry at God. I know that the boys are in heaven... I know that but I still get angry because I miss them, I want them here. I know I'll see them again but its a lifetime away. In the big picture, I'll see them in the blink of an eye but its hard to see the big picture when a big piece of your heart is missing.

Lately I've been digging into Scripture and different books about all sorts of things. Immediately after delivery, Matt and I read through Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It was a huge source of comfort in the weeks following delivery. It was actually given to us at the hospital. A couple in the upstate has a ministry where they work with the hospitals, donate the books, and upon the loss of a child, the hospital gives the book to the parents. What a way to turn their loss (they lost a little boy who was stillborn) into a tremendous blessing to others?! Then I started Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. This one I'm still working on and really enjoying. Nancy lost two children to a rare genetic disorder. First was a little girl named Hope. She lived about 6 months. Nancy and her husband then took the proper precautions so that they didn't get pregnant again but as she was writing the book, she found out she was pregnant again and their little boy, Gabriel, also had the genetic disorder. He also lived about 6 months. Her book is all about suffering and where we can find hope during it, how to deal with the suffering and how to see God in the suffering. It also has an 8-week book study on the book of Job.

And the last book I'm reading is R.C. Sproul's Chosen by God. This one is basically covering the doctrine of predestination. Now, this is a tough... tough... doctrine to understand and by no means can I wrap my brain around it. I understand what it means but its the way that it affects everything else that can make it seem so complicated. For instance... I have to accept that J.J. and Jordan were predestined long ago that they would die on December 21, 2008. Do I like that? No. Do I need to accept that? Yes. Why? Because a loving God planned it that way and He sees the big picture that I can't. He has a purpose and a plan for all of this. I may not understand it all til I get to heaven but I need to trust His plan.

Several songs have also ministered to my heart in the last nine weeks.

I say all of this because I want to get back into blogging and instead of making this post much longer than it already is... I'm just gonna share nuggets of knowledge that I'm gleaning from the books and songs I've metntioned. Maybe I'll share a quote or two a day but over the next few weeks I'll be posting the things I'm reading and learning and maybe it'll minster to you in some way with something you may be facing.

With all that being said, its 4:40 am and I should probably try to sleep at some point.

cb

Ok so I'm sucking at blogging. I know. I just don't seem to find time to update. Lately, I haven't found time to do much of anything except clean. It sounds like its no fun but I'm getting so much done and getting rid of stuff which is key. I'll get back to blogging at some point.

i'm posting just a few photos... nothing great... they're ok

Today has been a really good day. I spent my afternoon walking around downtown taking pictures. It was nice and sunny outside... a really good day for taking pictures. I started off towards Springwood Cemetery downtown and on my way back to the car got sidetracked and took some pictures of the Greek Orthodox church. I've downloaded a trial of Photoshop Elements. I'm curious to see if I like it. I love Photoshop but I've never tried Elements. It's sort of like the teaser version of Photoshop. Maybe I'll post some of the photos after I edit them... I don't know. I'm one of those folks who won't post photos if I'm not 110% happy with them.

I really enjoyed walking around the cemetery. I love photographing cemeteries. I always have. I had no clue there are 80 unknown soldiers buried in Greenville. They were soldiers from the Confederate States of America. Springwood is an OLD cemetery. One of the interesting things about old cemeteries is they often serve as reminders of the brevity of life. Losing babies is nowhere near as common today as it was then. There were so many small headstones for babies 2 years and under. Some lived more than a year. Some lived two days. Another thing is enjoy about the cemeteries is reading the headstones. I, personally, don't think as much is put into headstones these days as back then. Today you see a name and two dates and thats it. Back then folks still wrote epitaphs. They wrote of people's faith, their love for their children or their spouse and what they believed in. It makes me think... what would my epitaph say? What will I be remembered for?

Fun Fellowship

Today I had the privilege of hanging out and enjoying one of the most amazing women! I had so much fun and it renewed my spirit just to sit and talk about anything and everything... a lot about the boys. But she was so willing to listen and she offered me some much needed encouragement and some yummy coffee. I was able to walk away and say "Ok Lord you prompted me to e-mail her. I'm glad I did. That was just what I needed."

Cathy, thank you so much! Thanks for listening. I love your friendship and I look forward to spending more time together. :-)

cb

One of my many goals...

is to lose as much weight as is possible before we try to get pregnant again. I need to be in better health. I am currently about 18 pounds less than my prepregnancy weight which is good. I started my exercise routine today which is a four-mile walk. Its a dvd and you don't just walk in place the whole time. Its a very aerobic workout. Anyways... pray for me as I tackle this and hopefully get the weight off.

I'll keep you updated.

cb

Our Babies

I found this online and thought I'd post it... I had to change a few words for it to apply to two babies.

In a baby castle just beyond our eyes,
Our babies play with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are we, to wish that they had known this world of strife?
Now play on, our babies, you have eternal life!
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes our eyes,
We’ll hear your tiny footsteps come running to our side.
Your little hands caress us so tenderly and sweet,
We’ll breathe a prayer and close our eyes
And embrace you in our sleep.
Feelings we will treasure, sometimes they’ll make us sad …
Because, our little babies, we are still your mom and dad.

Ok so I'm here.

Christy... sorry there may be a delay on the pictures I promised. Maybe I'll at least post the living room so I'm not a horrible friend.

After I delivered our boys the hospital sent me home with prescription strength motrin and percocet. I never touched the percocet because pain medicines affect me so easily. I took the motrin pretty regularly in the beginning but about a week ago I decided to stop taking it. I knew prolonged use of ibuprofen can cause stomach bleeding. I had already had a stomach ache or two or five but I'd lay down and eventually I'd fall asleep. After a few of the stomach aches I began to notice that when I had them I also had pain in my upper back which just seemed to weird to me. Wednesday night I had one of these said stomach aches with back pain that was absolutely unbearable. So, I got online to do my homework. I was tempted to go to the ER but I thought surely I could suffer through it and go to our family doc when he opened. After my research I had concluded that I had a stomach ulcer. Between the ibuprofen and the stress I've been under it would have been easy to develop one. Now I also found a list of things you should stay away if you have an ulcer. The list included: milk, fruit juice, carbonated beverages, spicy food (and lots more). But on Wednesday I had consumed Diet Coke, a lot of grape juice, spicy taco bake for dinner, ice cream, and milk (if you know much about me you know that means like 3 or 4 cups of milk). So, lets just say I made my self-diagnosed stomach ulcer very very angry.

By 5:30 am I couldn't handle it any longer and I got dressed and went to the ER. I went in (no wait at the Village Hospital) and explained to the nice nurse my recent experience (2 weeks post partum, lots of ibuprofen), explained my self-diagnosis, and waited for a doctor. Two hours later (darn it for going in the middle of shift change) a nice doctor came around and (thank you very much) told me I had done good research and that my diagnosis was correct. So does this mean I don't have to pay you as much I wondered. They sent me home with an acid blocker, Nexium, and warned me to stay away from those things I shouldn't eat/drink that make the ulcer very angry.

So now I'm sitting here stomach growling because well quite honestly I don't know what to eat because I'm scared to eat. I waited until 7 pm to eat yesterday and then I had a grilled chicken sandwich on wheat. Maybe today I'll go for chicken noodle soup. yum.

cb

Cleaning

Two posts ago I mentioned my preoccupation. I'm still VERY busy. I managed to get downstairs clean -- living room is good (we may even paint this weekend), cleaned up the dining room although I have to clean off the table, and the kitchen looks good (except I can't KEEP the island cleaned off... it catches clutter). For the first time since we moved in there is absolutely nothing laying on the stairs. So now I'm working on the upstairs. Bathroom is clean. Our bedroom is maybe 1/2 way done. I have a lot of "stuff" to go through and lots of mail to shred. Then its on to the man cave which is currently bombarded with Christmas decorations and its all sitting right in front of the door. So give me another week and I think I can have the house looking exactly the way I want. Then I need to week my flower beds and put new mulch out. I think I'm giving up on trying to get things to bloom. Ha.

So Christy, hopefully one of my next few posts will have you specifically in mind when I post pictures of the house. I know you've been asking for them for a year. I'll get there. Promise.

cb